Sound: "The Rite of Spring" by Igor Stravinsky
NOTE: The other day I was discussing how much the Russians love me and joked that I should work for the state department on Russian-American relations. Someone who lacks a sense of humor overheard me and told me that my comment was "self-aggrandizing," as I am clearly not qualified to work as a diplomat. Being a snarky brat, I've decided to take this idea and run with it. So, without further ado, my cover letter for consideration as a diplomat:
Dear President Obama,
I would like to submit myself for consideration for a position with the American embassy in Russia. I feel that my educational background, world travel experience, and focused, hardworking personality have prepared me beyond measure to excel as a diplomat specializing in Russian-American relations.
I hold a Bachelors' of Arts degree in Drama and English, which has created the educational foundation necessary to work in the embassy. As a drama major, I have taken a lot of acting courses and have extensive knowledge of improvisational technique. I can adapt to any situation, and am a strong adherent to the improv golden rule of "yes, and?" For example, if presented with a proposal involving the department of homeland security's admittance of certain Russian nationals, I can respond with "Yes, we will repeal the Magnitsky Act and you will stop using children as political pawns and free Pussy Riot." I have also studied voice and speech, so I can say this all in a clear, strong, well-projected voice. As an English major, I took an entire course of the works of Vladimir Nabokov, which has provided me with detailed insight into the mind of a White Russian who feels betrayed by his country. While there are no longer a lot of White Russians around, I'm sure my thoughts on Pale Fire and Lolita will serve me well when undertaking the necessary diplomatic task of small talk.
Additionally, I am currently working on a Masters' of Fine Arts in Dramaturgy and Theatre Studies. Again, this degree has provided me with more training in voice and speech, and has the extra benefit of focusing in Russian theater. As I write this cover letter, I am sitting in a dorm room owned by the Moscow Art Theater (in Moscow, Russia!), where I am taking a lot of classes and seeing a lot of Russian theater. I have also visited the Red Square and the Kremlin, and thus totally understand the working conditions for Russian politicians. My Russian language skills are still a little rusty, but I am quite proficient at ordering lunch at the local cafeteria, finding my seat in a theater, and telling people not to touch me. I am also taking advantage of my time in Moscow to learn more about President Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin (or, as I fondly refer to him, "V.V."). After reading the entire Wikipedia article on him, I feel confident that I fully understand the intricate details of Russian politics.
Finally, I must note that the Russian people seem to feel quite at ease with me. They like to offer me food and touch me without invitation. Surely this is a sign that I would do quite well when it comes to negotiations.
I understand that you are quite busy right now, but hope you will take the time to review my application. Should you have any questions, feel free to contact me via email or Facebook. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Thank you,
Morgan
NOTE: The other day I was discussing how much the Russians love me and joked that I should work for the state department on Russian-American relations. Someone who lacks a sense of humor overheard me and told me that my comment was "self-aggrandizing," as I am clearly not qualified to work as a diplomat. Being a snarky brat, I've decided to take this idea and run with it. So, without further ado, my cover letter for consideration as a diplomat:
Dear President Obama,
I would like to submit myself for consideration for a position with the American embassy in Russia. I feel that my educational background, world travel experience, and focused, hardworking personality have prepared me beyond measure to excel as a diplomat specializing in Russian-American relations.
I hold a Bachelors' of Arts degree in Drama and English, which has created the educational foundation necessary to work in the embassy. As a drama major, I have taken a lot of acting courses and have extensive knowledge of improvisational technique. I can adapt to any situation, and am a strong adherent to the improv golden rule of "yes, and?" For example, if presented with a proposal involving the department of homeland security's admittance of certain Russian nationals, I can respond with "Yes, we will repeal the Magnitsky Act and you will stop using children as political pawns and free Pussy Riot." I have also studied voice and speech, so I can say this all in a clear, strong, well-projected voice. As an English major, I took an entire course of the works of Vladimir Nabokov, which has provided me with detailed insight into the mind of a White Russian who feels betrayed by his country. While there are no longer a lot of White Russians around, I'm sure my thoughts on Pale Fire and Lolita will serve me well when undertaking the necessary diplomatic task of small talk.
Additionally, I am currently working on a Masters' of Fine Arts in Dramaturgy and Theatre Studies. Again, this degree has provided me with more training in voice and speech, and has the extra benefit of focusing in Russian theater. As I write this cover letter, I am sitting in a dorm room owned by the Moscow Art Theater (in Moscow, Russia!), where I am taking a lot of classes and seeing a lot of Russian theater. I have also visited the Red Square and the Kremlin, and thus totally understand the working conditions for Russian politicians. My Russian language skills are still a little rusty, but I am quite proficient at ordering lunch at the local cafeteria, finding my seat in a theater, and telling people not to touch me. I am also taking advantage of my time in Moscow to learn more about President Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin (or, as I fondly refer to him, "V.V."). After reading the entire Wikipedia article on him, I feel confident that I fully understand the intricate details of Russian politics.
Finally, I must note that the Russian people seem to feel quite at ease with me. They like to offer me food and touch me without invitation. Surely this is a sign that I would do quite well when it comes to negotiations.
I understand that you are quite busy right now, but hope you will take the time to review my application. Should you have any questions, feel free to contact me via email or Facebook. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Thank you,
Morgan
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