Russians Are Genetic Mutants: Or, The Vodka Party

Sound: "Who's That Lady" by the Isley Brothers

Last weekend the first-year Institute students hosted a party for our Russian faculty members.  We were given very strict instructions on what was required for the party - what food to get, what music to play, and, of course, what vodka to buy.  For future reference, if you are throwing a party for Russians, you do not buy Smirnoff.  You do not even buy Absolut or Grey Goose.  You buy Russian Standard, so help you Comrade Lenin.  You also need to buy a lot of pickled foods; cucumbers, mushrooms, and fish are a good start.

(NOTE: Even though they are probably never going to read this, I need to give a shout-out to my fellow classmates, especially Erin and Marissa, for hosting and expertly organizing what was a fabulous party).

Notice that there is no reference to mixers in that list.  That's because Russians don't use mixers when they drink.  Russians take shots.  Lots of shots.  So many shots that you lose count.  And they don't get drunk.  Because they are genetic mutants.

Here is how to take a shot like a Russian:

1) Pour a shot of vodka.  If you are like me, and you know that too many shots of vodka will result in a series of unfortunate events (like demanding that your boyfriend buy you a cookie and then offering pieces of that cookie to random strangers while repeatedly insisting that you are an adult [NOT THAT THAT EVER ACTUALLY HAPPENED, MOM AND DAD]), you ask for only a little shot of vodka, or "choot-choot."
2) Grab a pickle.  I prefer pickled cucumbers, but whatever floats your boat'll do the trick.
3) Make a toast.  As one of our Russian professors pointed out, drinking without making a toast signifies alcoholism, and therefore should be avoided at all costs.
4) Drink the shot.  Don't sip it.  Throw it back and swallow that sucker as fast as you can.
5) Sniff the pickle.  This gives the vodka a little bit of time to go to your stomach and make an impression.
6) Eat the pickle.  It will cancel out any taste of alcohol that the vodka has left behind, leaving you free to drink more vodka.

Although this method might sound a little strange, it is an incredibly effect way to take a shot, and it has my full endorsement.

A few days before the party, we were warned not to try to keep up with the Russians.  We were told we wouldn't be able to do it and it was dangerous.  I followed that advice; I can't speak for the rest of my classmates, but everyone is still alive and in the program, so I'm guessing that whatever they did worked for them.

But seriously.  I have never seen people take that many shots and have no visible reaction.  I would like to acquire these magical Russian drinking genes - they could totally come in handy some day.