Why Are People Touching Me Part 3: Para Bailar La Banya

Sound: "Boss Tycoon" by Mac Dre

Note #1: I'm not even going to apologize for bastardizing "La Bamba" as a title.  This is my head; deal with it.

Note #2: I'm not one to victim blame, but this post tells the story of me asking to be touched.  Literally.  So, for the first time in this blog, I'm going to talk about Russians touching me... with my consent!

Note #3: This post contains numerous references to somewhat intimate parts of my body.  This is an integral part of the banya experience.  Sorry, Dad.

Today Leslie, Marissa, and I went to the banya.  The banya is the Russian word for steam bath/sauna.  The banya is a place for ladies (or gents; most banyas are single-sex) to gather, enjoy the sauna, bathe, drink tea, and hang out naked.  The naked part is really important.  While everyone has a towel or sheet, you really use it to just dry yourself off or sit on.  Towels may be wrapped loosely around parts of the body (especially the head, if you don't have a nifty banya hat), but for the most part, people are just naked, doing their thing.  Which is, primarily, sweating.  Russian banyas are steam-heated to 80' C (or 176' F).  There's little need to worry about overheating, though - it is recommended to spent only 5-7 minutes in the banya at a time.  Between steam session, you shower off, and can pour water of various temperatures over your body to wash off all that awesome sweat.

Another thing you can do at the banya is buy venik (birch branches with the leaves still on) and beat yourself with them.  This increases the heat near your body and is believed to improve blood circulation.  You can also pay for someone to beat you with the venik.  Today, I opted to have a Russian lady give me the beat-down.

After ordering the beat-down (this is probably not the official term, but it's accurate), I was given a 4pm appointment time.  This left me, Marissa, and Leslie time for one more steam before a break, and then D-Day.  While in the banya, we saw another woman get the beat-down.  It didn't seem to bad; the woman was brushed and lightly tapped with venik.  I could totally handle this, I thought, and Marissa and Leslie agreed.

At 4pm, I went into the lobby to meet the woman who'd be giving me the beat-down.  She told me to wait five more minutes, and, while waiting, to drink.  The beat-down comes with a complimentary pot of tea.  While drinking my tea, Marissa and Leslie came out to wait with me, since they wanted a break before watching me get beat with birch branches.  At one point, Marissa asked how I was feeling.  I responded thusly:

Soon after, the lady arrived and led me, closely followed by Marissa and Leslie, into the steam room.  She pulled out a bench, laid a mat on it, and had me lay face down.  She then used her other-wordly strength and resistance to heatstroke to wave the venik over my body, spraying me with droplets of hot water.  She then began to tap my body and joints with the venik.  Okay, I thought, this is nice and warm and totally chill.

AND THEN SHE STARTED TO WAIL ON ME.

Now, at no point did this actually hurt, but man, this woman was whacking me.  I think she must have recently scene Rocky IV and felt the need to avenge Drago.  Maybe, I don't really know.  But I do know that I was being smacked repeatedly with tree branches.  But soon, it was over.

Then she told me to roll over.

I did, and stared up in terror.  She said something to me in Russian, but it was hot, and I had just been hit with the venik, and my Russian isn't that great anyway.  Then she made a cupping motion with her hands.  Suddenly, the message was clear: cover your boobies.  I did, and thank goodness, because she started whacking me on the front!  She even slapped my face a little.  Usually, I make people at least buy me dinner before I let them get this rough with me.  But this is Russia, and in Russia, you pay people for this privilege (upon reflection, there are parts of America where you also pay people to hit you.  Those parts are called Nye County, Nevada).

Finally, she was done beating me.  I staggered to me feet, my ears filled with the sound of applause from the other women in the banya.  A Russian woman asked if it was my first time.  Marissa replied in the affirmative.  Too weak to fully wrap myself, I followed the beat-down lady out of the steam room.  She took my towels and told me to sit in a chair.

And then she threw ice-cold water on me.  Repeatedly.

Finally, sputtering and exhausted, I was done.  I was taken back into the lobby and told to drink a lot of tea. My heart was pounding as if I had just run four miles.  I was too weak to lift the teapot, so the beat-down lady did it for me.  And then she left me.  Marissa and Leslie came out soon after and asked how I was.  "Good," I replied, "but done."

We only had thirty minutes left in our three-hour banya block, so we decided to drink some tea and then go shower and dress.  Upon entering the showers, however, we discovered that the Russian beat-down leaves marks:

I looked like a pink marble statue.

Never fear, though: the blotchiness was fading by the time I got out of the shower, and was totally gone by the time we left the banya.  All in all, the banya experience was wonderful, and I would totally go again.  However, I would not have a giant scary Russian woman beat me with sticks.  That was a once-in-a-lifetime experience, and I am totally done with that.  Forever.